Apologies, I wrote the first post but I am still really tired from my migraine, and even two sleeps later, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, though I feel much less foggy now. It looks like the migraines are being caused by potential astigmatism in my left eye. Even though my eye sight doesn’t feel bad, sometimes my left eye gets super blurry like the focus mechanism is stuck. When it corrects itself finally, it feels like a rubber band snapping in my eyeball, and it sends jolts through my entire body. Like a twitch attached to a nerve. I guess this time it was so bad it made me quite sick.
Anyway, while CBT and DBT were touched on, this morning, we did dive head first into Social Rhythm Therapy (the SRT part of IPSRT). It’s essentially finding your biological rhythm and learning to flow with it based on your best sleep schedule, etc. For me, for example, I do love going to bed before the sun goes down and waking up at a gods-awful hour like 2 or 3am. Anxiety about external validation keeps me up at night, so I usually wake up after a certain time and lose my day to exhaustion, lately. BUT again, this is why I’m in this program. Learning to push the standards and approval of others out of my head so I take residence up there.
Speaking of which, one of my goals is to learn to make safer boundaries for myself. I feel like I don’t know how to be productive if I don’t have someone either cheering me on or offering approval. It’s from the cPTSD, when people were forcing themselves into my mental spaces, my emotional spaces, my physical spaces and goal shift or generally just override anything I found authentic peace and joy in. As an adult, I seem to subconsciously and consciously seek approval or positive feedback from others, and I feel very unsafe if I am not receiving any of that. So…safe personal boundaries = personal expression encouraged without the need for said validation/approval = good life. Hopefully. We’re working on that as well.
Which leads me to my goals for the next 12 weeks, which we talked about yesterday during the one-on-one visit. I don’t like writing them down, because it feels like goals written are goals broken. But the whole point of keeping a log is to see where I am when I am done with the program.
- Less anxiety, please.
- More control over my thoughts and emotions.
- More confidence in myself.
- Less mood swings…or less mood swings that cause me to mentally check out.
- Better boundaries — with myself, specifically.
- A better relationship with food.
- Maybe a slightly more active lifestyle.
I could go on, really. But I think the overall goal is that I want to be content with myself. I just don’t know who I am, because I was never given the chance to find out. Every time I do find a piece of myself that feels authentic, I tend to self-sabotage in some form or fashion. I am too easily provoked and motivated by fear, and despite making some huge advancements in my life the past 18 or so months, I still carry a lot of shame and guilt. So it’s like trucks of those two have been dumped already, but wait! There’s more! jazz hands
Oh…I want to be able to laugh at myself again. jazz hands with pom poms
And while this blog is on the right track in general, I just need some … I need more intense therapy to match the intensity of the issues that have come to the top as of late. I’m doing it right, so far, just need a boost.
I also erroneously wrote that the IPSRT thing is 8 weeks long done twice — it’s eight sessions long, done twice.
