Nice little two day vacation, even though we literally just started on Monday. Then we have a session tomorrow and Saturday, then nothing on Sunday. We usually have a 6 day a week schedule, and some folks are doing seven days a week. Lucky for me, we start at 10am tomorrow, so I have some grace to frontload my energy into writing for tonight. Also, if any readers notice the misplaced or extra commas, I read my stuff, too, and despite not “belonging” in those spots, some kind of punctuation is needed somewhere; I write like John Steinbeck, sometimes, and I apologize for that.
EDIT — YES I REALIZED TOMORROW IS FRIDAY AND I HAVE TO BE THERE AT 9. IT’S OKAY, I GOT THIS. OKAY, CARRY ON.
I didn’t shut down like I’ve been doing, today. I got heavy into the whole Happy New Year cleaning festival that I was intending to do in December to close out the year, but like I’ve said, I got super sick the first part of the month, then holiday happened, then the migraine, plus my brain shit, and I guess one could say I flushed December down the toilet. Then again, the last few days of it resulted in me getting into PHP and having a perspective shift about a thing or three. Regardless, I did it today and really enjoyed the day staying at home making my place feel less traumatic. I was going to say safer, but I don’t want to keyword too much (when have I ever cared about keywording anything on my blogs?).
But it’s true — doing some reading and research about creating complex ptsd friendly living spaces is actually a thing. I’m a clutter magnet, for example. I know clutter can make one feel overwhelmed, but I had no idea that it can also bring with it a sense of hypervigilance as well. WE ARE LEGION, FOR WE ARE CLUTTER. The way this happens is one gets overwhelmed by just seeing the mess. Overwhelm brings tiredness due to the explicit energy drain. Make that person hyper- or highly- sensitive, or someone with trauma, or both (both are me), and now you’re tired, where you weren’t before seeing the mess you’ve been ignoring, and the sudden energy drain makes you hypervigilant at home. So now, you don’t even feel safe in your own house.
I felt myself get to that stage where I was wanting to start slowing down, but I was thisclose to being completely finished, so I stuck with it. In that extra push, I got a second wind, and now it’s 11:45 and I’m literally just now getting tired. It is what it is.
Anyway, I almost forgot that I was going to do a drawing a day, but the parameters are: use all of my colored ink pens, try to avoid black ink, and only draw on the unlined sides of 3×5 notecards. I drew Iron Man first, which I think I was aiming for something else until I squared his jaw up. That’s when I saw it and went to town. It was during the photo shoot that I realized how much I love and dislike my black glass desk. It gathers dust so fast — I literally wiped it down earlier in the day.
Nevertheless, I am quite pleased with the result. I surprise myself that I can still draw after putting the pencils down in high school after a thing. Part of the PHP assignments is every day, do or make something small that you can do without the help of another person. It’s supposed to help regain confidence and provide a creative outlet. I chose drawing since I miss it.
The quote on the other card is for a future ABCs post — it’s about seeing things through (or…maybe initiative, because I is next on the list and this topic fits). I’ve plenty of examples of that as well as an old and super dumb blonde joke (the joke is dumb, but a blonde told it to me, so I think I get an out for using it, otherwise with respect to stereotyping, I may change it to two idiots instead of a brunette and a blonde).
I mulled around on socials, but it’s already ingrained in my head to avoid it after a certain time threshold, so I stopped and came to write this post instead. And now it is 12:18 and I’m not too far off from my regularly scheduled sleep time! I think the work done was worth a teeny bit of hyper-arousal later than normal. I managed it appropriately, and nobody got monologued. Nobody got texted or DMed…LOL small victories (plus I am fairly certain the Depakote is starting to actually work).
