Today was absolute fire, and I come with pictures! Also, I’m starting to hear myself a little better, the more I stop searching outwardly for social stimulation, reactions or interactions (or forcing myself to comment when I really don’t have anything pertinent to add). Even with the disheveled sleep situation, I didn’t really have trouble. For some reason, I kept thinking I had a hangover, which this has been a thing since I stopped. If I wake up with any anxiety at all, I automatically default to “oh shit did I drink?”, even checking socials just to make sure despite not finding any empty cans or bottles around. I’d call myself a dumbass about that, but really, I’m not, and I don’t deserve to be called one. This is apparently a common feature for some folks. My good friend who lives in the same complex has something like 13 years of sobriety, and she tells me she still has some outlandish dreams about drinking, and will wake up checking her house to make sure she didn’t. That is wild, but I do it too, and there’s some videos about drinking dreams that are similar. Better to think you did than to actually have done it.
We did a two hour session on CBT alone via Zoom, because even though I read the Syllabus, I don’t always realize that “online” means “not on campus.” So of course I drove all the way to the campus, and an entirely different class was getting ready to start. Luckily, I do have Zoom on my phone, so I was able to keep up on the way back to my place, albeit without notes for the first part.
The more they explain how CBT works, the more I see that I really can circumvent the five-steps-ahead nature of my brain and use it to help reframe some of my automatic thoughts. For example, the dumbass comment. I said it to myself, because for a split second, I felt like one. But then going back to analyze it, I thought no I’m not, I made a human mistake and really didn’t miss anything. It wasn’t self-deprecation, it was an honest negative reaction to a minor infraction, and I nipped it in the bud by *GASP* reaffirming to myself that it was an error, not a debacle worthy of such negativity.
Good gods above, this is all starting to sink in…and on day three already! Let’s not get excited, I know how I am. I get really excited, semi-gloat about it, act smug, and crash and burn within a day because I stop working with what works.
What stuck out for me, today, was the aspect of behavioral activation and exposure, where activation is directly related things we do or experience (behavioral stimuli). So in a negative sense, for me, it’s not getting the reaction I expect to get on social media. Another negative is expecting any sort of communication with one of “those two” (who I love dearly but cannot ever get close to them again) to result in anything other than a textbook DARVO. If I am not prepared for either of the two outcomes being negative, then I will have negative behavior, unless (boundaries but that hasn’t come up yet) I can change my reaction or expectation on the fly.
Since we can’t change others, we’re working on ourselves. The daily creative thing is considered a behavioral stimulus. It’s an opportunity to find pleasure in something we do, to improve our mood, to feel like we achieved something. I think the quote was “…to inspire positive behavioral stimuli.” It’s not about being perfect with it, it’s just doing it. Every day, do it. I draw, and I’ve added a daily quote worth remembering to go with my drawings. So I draw while thinking about the quote that I picked. Double dose of dopamine and a little spiritual boost to boot.
Like today’s art is Daredevil. I totally ADHD’ed out (not diagnosed, but tell me this isn’t textbook) and forgot if I was drawing Marvel DD or Netflix DD midway through it, so I had to look it up. I was drawing from memory, but did find the Netflix poster I was mentally referencing. I’m satisfied with the overall result. I might shift gears tomorrow and draw a scene. I’d like to see if I can still draw landscaping, and more specifically, clouds.
We added masteries, today. Small achievable tasks that aren’t necessarily for pleasure, such as cleaning house, organizing the book shelf, or tackling the junk drawer.
(I’m quite proud of how that turned out. My Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Forgotten Realms/Drizzt books are all on the bedroom bookshelf for easy access — this bookshelf is across from my desk)
But tasks can also invoke the same dopamine hit that pleasurable activities do, and I must say, there was a significant dopamine hit after making the shelf nice and tidy.
Part two was about exposure to the things that open pathways to negative behavioral stimuli, such as fears (abandonment has been a big one for me in the recent past), phobias (unidentified flying insects are massive for me — I will hit the ground screaming like a child if something flies in my face and I don’t know what it is — thanks toebiters — look those fuckers up, they’re nightmare material), and anything that causes panic. I don’t know when we’re going to delve into that in the one-on-ones, but I have a feeling it will be next week. The discussion today was about how we are gradually introduced to these negative stimuli in a controlled way, and reduce anxiety about the thing over time. I’m certain 100% that there are things I’ve not yet brought up that will be discussed. Working through personal grief (loss of a long portion of my life to the whims and harms of others, for example) might be what we talk about the most. Abandonment was more about recentering myself, which I am still doing. Toebiters are best avoided. I don’t really panic unless I go into a manic blackout, and the sleep rhythm therapy really seems to be helping with that (as well as the Depakote). So I am eager to see what we’re going to end up talking about.
After it was over, I went for a quick walk to the baseball field and back, but stopped to catch a little bit of the junior varsity soccer game that was in progress. I didn’t have time to stay for the whole thing (left at the 45 minute mark), but Cooper was ahead.
When I got home, I organized the bookshelf and worked a bit on a writing project, then made the thiccest sandwich I ever made — beef lunch meat, muenster cheese, and a boat load of spinach. I was in LOVE with that wholesome crunch that the spinach put out. I literally could have just had spinach and mayo and be happy. I actually — I am seriously considering getting some pimento cheese spread and just stacking the spinach on it. It was very recently that I discovered how good pimento cheese spread is, and was a bit let down that I waited until so long to try it out. It’s just pimentos, shredded cheese, and mayo — literally something my 2am drunken ass would have come up with back in the day. But here we are, sober and excited about trying it with an obscene amount of spinach.
Also, plant based Hellmann’s is fantastic. Basically tastes just like regular, but a little bit creamier, a little thicker.
Circling back to the dumbass comment, I did work on the first chapter part of the MSC book last night. Not that this was what made me mindful today (I don’t think), but it was like “if your friend was having a crappy time, how would you treat them? What would you say?” Of course, my answer is that it depends on the friend. There’s one that we are relentless with the shittery and name calling, but it’s us and that’s our personal communication style. The better the dig, the bigger the laughs, but we don’t get overwhelmingly mean about it (well…there’s one time…). So if they were having a shit time, I’d give them shit but remind them who they are. My sister on the other hand is sensitive like me — she would melt at a perceived negative glance. So with her, it’s a hug, reinforcement of her capabilities, and positive reassurance. Sometimes it’s actively assisting with the problem, depending on what it is.
Then the question was “what about you? How do you treat yourself and talk to yourself when you have a crappy time?” Oh. Well. Um. “Write it down” I think these words could be criminal in some countries…but I also isolate and prevent people from doing/saying what I need to hear in the moment.
Then there was a question about a not-too-serious event in your life. Which my entire life feels like a post-catastrophic reparation and rebuilding, so “not too serious” is subjective. I went with my discipline and last night’s good intentions that kept me up a little bit longer than I wanted to. I did consider my past behaviors, but they’re not worth bringing back, as I’m still a little guilty feeling about it. But reading that passage in full led me to realize I actually treated myself appropriately last night. Things happen, not every oops is major, and not everything that feels major is.
That’s when I realized that the past behaviors I was thinking about actually fit the question. I was catastrophizing my behavior online when I was in blacked out or drunk or both. I felt like I had ruined everything, was beating myself up, and really felt like I was scum of the earth. I was lost in this ideology that I was an unforgivable person who deserved to be punished. But at the end of the day, I was just annoying and not some monster wreaking havoc on humanity, which is how I was treating myself.
So at the end of the module (module, right?), I was able to reframe it as “I felt really bad for acting like that, and didn’t really have a way to apologize for or rectify it, other than taking care of whatever it was within myself that was causing it. But at the time, I did worry that I was going to get in trouble or get hurt.”
I really hate that this book makes me feel better right off the bat, even about something that is hopefully over. Like I said, I refuse to be smug about it, I know who I am well enough to stay focused on the task and not let off the gas pedal. Not on this one.
I finally started the Daily Stoic, today, too. I caught up on yesterday and today, and well that was a lot of info packed into much shorter space than how I write. My favorite line from today’s entry was “Why did you pick up this book? …not to seem smarter or get more educated. No, you picked up this book because you are learning how to live.” Bruh. Let me tell you how seen I felt. Not to mention “Knowledge — self-knowledge — is freedom.” I picked up a good daily reader. My take away was “remember why you’re here,” and that really grounded me in the moment.
Now I’m wrapping up by having a cup of soycaf (Shadowrun reference — the instant decaf with some hot chocolate mixed in) and starting Kim Newman’s Jago before I turn in for the night. I picked it up because it sounds a lot like something I’m writing now, about a man who’s bad feelings become tangible reality. Such as feeling completely helpless comes out in the form of two gigantic mechas fighting each other and nearly getting crushed trying to get out of their way, or feeling hopeless in the form of getting stuck in a fisherman’s net and the fisherman sees him and cuts the net from the boat instead of helping him. Or feeling isolated coming about in the form of the earth preventing him from picking up a beautiful rock he sees on the shore. It’s brutal but it’s a very fun project. And only one audible word is verbalized or written:
“don’t.”
