This is how I feel right now. (Incidentally, this is the anime where the song originated…and now I need to get Netflix to see it, because it’s in the same universe as Cowboy Bebop, and I LOVE THAT SERIES WITH A PASSION.)
*long dramatic sigh* ANYWAY
My grandmother got bent over something trivial. So I think we’re not talking for awhile.
So what had happened was — I talked to my aunt today and told her about how my 15 year old laptop is finally biting the dust. I explained that I had a nice gaming pc, but I liked to take the laptop to the coffee shop to write sometimes, so I had plans in the future to replace it, Not that I needed anything super fancy (I told her this), just something to use to write on and maybe play some browser games or music when I write to keep my brain active. She insisted I request one for Christmas, and I shrugged it off. “Nah, I’m picky,” I told her.
Anyway my grandmother calls. Uses things against me. She said she spent $30,000 on me over the last 5 months — for five month’s worth of rent, some of my bills, and my new car. She reminded me (out of the kindness of her own heart, she said) that she got my computer out of the pawn shop for me. And for me to even consider a new laptop is a slap in her face. She said that if I didn’t bring her the $400 cash for my rent this month like I ***promised*** her, she was never going to help me again, because she knows how I am, and I’m just going to blow it on a laptop (along with some other deprecating words that aren’t true). And then she hung up.
For one, the last five months’ worth of rent were paid for by me after my grandmother paid me $3,000 for cleaning my aunt’s house after my aunt drank herself to oblivion. She is a “level 4” hoarder, so you know the house was really bad when I went over there. Like…I was puking every half hour or every time I uncovered something disgusting or smelled something. but I got it done and did a fantastic job getting everything squared away, and I got paid handsomely for it. And I applied it practically to my needs.
Two, when my 2014 ford focus went out, instead of just getting me a half decent older car with the money I had saved, she insisted on something better and doubled what I had and got me a brand new 2025 Nissan Sentra — and also paid for six month’s of insurance. I didn’t have the proper boundaries at the time to say no to that kind of deal. My sister and I talked about the purchase shortly after, and we both predicted she’d find a way to use it against me.
Three, I didn’t ask her to get my computer out of pawn. she got it out for me. It was a $540 buyout. She said she was doing it because she knew I was working hard and deserved to get it back. Now, in that conversation we had on the phone, she believes I’m slacking off and not working because she got it out for me and I was just gaming all day. Mind you, I got it yesterday, and I did not work yesterday, because it was Friday. Friday in Texas means high school football, and almost literally everyone is at games — this is a high school football hot bed — everyone is at games, and if they’re not at games, they are at the bars or hosting house parties. The gig orders here in town are dismal on Fridays, so I take Thursdays and Fridays off. (Thursdays are my preferred rest days, no need to explain). But she decided that’s why I wasn’t working yesterday, even though in a previous conversation, she agreed it was a good day to take off since everyone was out doing things instead of at home ordering off the gig sites or whatnot.
Fourth, and she knows this: I cannot pull cash off of my card since I do not have a physical card yet. It won’t be here until the 21st at the earliest (it takes about three weeks to process and mail out).
So I don’t know how she thinks I promised her I’d give her $400 cash for my rent when a)I don’t have my card yet (and she knows that), and b)I can pay rent online without having to give her money so she can write a check to the rental agency.
It doesn’t make sense.
So she gave me an ultimatum that I cannot meet, and I don’t even understand her logic behind it. I may be a Leo sun and Gemini rising, but my analyze-everything-into-the-ground-and-back Virgo moon and six other planetary alignments ass can’t figure this one out.
I know the truth, and she can sit in her puddle of nonsense until she relaxes. I’ve been working my arse off. Her whiplashing has extended to my permanent job search efforts, too. It’s either “you can’t do full time,” “you can’t handle the hours,” “your feet hurt after standing up for long hours,” “you will get bored,” or “you always quit.” (All untrue except the last — but there are very prominent reasons why I quit the last three jobs that I had. Also, the job market here SUCKS, which is why I’m going all in on gig work — it’s fun, I enjoy it, and I make really good income, including enough to save for taxes and things I enjoy.) But she’s attacked gig work, too. “It’s so dangerous doing that kind of job.” Not here in town — we’re not that kind of community, and honestly, the clientele = stoners, drunks who can’t drive themselves to get it, families, groups watching sports or having parties, college students, and random regular people who just want some grub.
All of this is another reminder of why I left that house that I left last August. Sam’s inspiration pulled me out of this bullshit…well…reinforcing that I did the work, Sam just lit a fire under my ass in a very extreme fringy third-party sort of way.
I’m actually rather discouraged that it’s happening again…around thanksgiving, too.
Great night to write about boundaries, and I had no idea this thing with my grandmother was going to happen. I called her to tell her that I made enough for rent and was going to pay it early and start saving for next month, and she blew me up with her end of the schtick…so I guess I won’t tell her that I made enough for rent — it’s my rent and I am going to pay it. She can kick rocks if she wants, but I still need to pay my rent.
UPDATE: I paid my rent. Can’t wait to see what happens when she finds out I don’t have the $400 to give her. Anyone out there want to clue me in on this logic?
