“I am free and that’s why I am lost.” -Franz Kafka
I’ve been trying to write this since 5pm. Anyway, here I am finally posting it at almost 11:30pm. If it reads scattered (which of my posts don’t, lately?), that’s why…
So Tuesdays are for DBT. And I’ve been working my ass off in the background learning how to apply it on the fly.
The basics of of it is this in application to last week:
Stage 1 – imminent threat. You are so agitated/upset/etc that you really want to do something unkind to yourself. Or you already are because of how you are acting toward/talking to/treating yourself. One thing we are talking about a LOT in PHP is that verbal abuse is still abuse, and that counts toward yourself. And if we’re used to being aggressive with ourselves, then we must aggressively divert the thoughts that lead to that level of self-treatment.
I’m not great at this! But even early on (and with all the experience I’ve gained up to this point), I’m getting better about finding off ramps so I can step outside of myself and look at the situation instead of sandblasting myself like I do…like I did last week. Well, last week for example — I really wanted to go buy a case of 5% hard tea and just down it as fast as I could. I was done, I hated being in those feelings, and I didn’t have a way out. But I didn’t do it. I articulated my words, and I sat with them as best as I could in the moment.
Stage 2 – now it’s just thoughts, really intense emotions, but you’re definitely overwhelmed by them. In this case, with me, it was just trying to split off. My negative bullshit is over there, I am over here, those words do not define me, etc. And I was really bad about this last week, because again, no way out of it. Nobody was around to say “hey shithead, you’re fine. You did nothing wrong. People took offense and that’s their problem, not yours.” I had to find that from within myself, and that came a few days later.
Stage 3 – you’re now at a stage where you can walk with these emotions, and are in the process of doing things or setting goals to do things that counteract (directly or indirectly) what your thoughts are. I think this came on Saturday (maybe Friday night). I planned — set a goal — to go to the card show, and maybe get myself something nice. I planned on shopping for a lamp to fit on the bookshelf. I did not want to do it on Saturday, but I know what radical stealth care is — I COINED THAT TERM — and I used it to get myself out of my head. I went to a store to get necessities. AND from there, I gently guided myself to the card show. Where I got some really cool things for myself.
Stage 4 – actively pursuing goals and things away from the negative thinking. Like…you know, normal therapy where people meet for an hour a week and the patient has their shit together. …that’d be really nice.
So as far as my understanding of it goes, it’s very CBT adjacent in that you realize you’re stage 1, and then do what you can to get out of it. I can personally attest to how tunnel-visioned you get in stage 1, though. So being able to split off or get that off ramp is so important. Or calling someone. Which…calling people is really hard to do when you’re afraid of getting hurt. But so far this week I’ve had no reason to call in panic.
…Actually, about calling people…I did call a friend today to check in with her. (I texted first, obviously.) She told me to call or stop by every day so we can keep the line fresh. She’s right down the way from me, there’s no reason not to, so I’ll do that. Tomorrow evening, she’s cooking, and I’m bringing something for dessert. Maybe a lemon icebox pie. It’s easy to make and I know she loves those (so do I!). (update – I bought the stuff and made the pie, and it’s in the freezer…ice box.)
I mowed a yard while I was there, and it started sprinkling while I was mowing. It’s a small back yard, so I just stuck with it. No biggie. But my shoes did get muddied up. Nice thing about this new mesh type canvas — super easy to clean off.
I also started the backstory on my character for the ttrpg stuff. I *might* share that tonight. *might.* I should have time, so we’ll see. (update – not tonight, but it’s written, maybe tomorrow)
Additionally, I’m thinking about making a separate section for my SRT Metrics because who tf wants to look at spreadsheets? Sry. I know I want to share like EVERYTHING, even if only for accountability, but at the same time, some stuff might be best kept in its own category. I also noticed all my categories are on the main page now, and well…eek…so I have some maintenance to do on ye olde bloggo, here. (update – tomorrow 100% for sure)
Honestly, my thoughts were really quiet today, and I don’t know why. Such a paradox to be as concerned with silence as I am when my brain flips upside down. Probably just starting to go back to normal after next-stepping everything as best as I can.
So…ok, it’s still really messy, but it is effective, even if my ability to contain everything was dampened and delayed. I bet with more practice it will get easier and easier. Like…I had no reason to be so upset over anything that happened, and yet I literally felt like I was a kid getting threatened — and all I have around me is ghosts that I’m trying to put to sleep. You know? Actually, I hope nobody knows the feeling I’m describing. But I know some folks now who are in the same boat. Doesn’t make it easier, but it does make me feel not so alone or alien to people. And that’s what matters most right now.
I think now that everything is calming down, I’m going to do my absolute best to be on top of everything. That was super scary, and not uncommon, if I were to be honest about the last few months, especially since stopping drinking. No place to hide it under. But I’ve been thinking about things that I never want to catch myself or anyone else thinking about. That’s why I’m in PHP. Couldn’t stop the thoughts.
Alcohol was the drowner of emotions and feelings, though even then, there were the blackouts and uninhibited monologues and phone calls and such that just compounded everything. So it was like “ok no drinking” but then I just had all this shit going on that had no place to go with it.
I’ve seen how good sleep hygiene and following routines work for me. I’m learning new skills and hopefully with time, it’ll become easier to manage myself with them. I just have to stay on top of it.
