I’m up because the Trazodone hasn’t kicked in, yet. Don’t worry, I have taken it, and am calm. I worked until 11:30pm, and that was pushing it a bit, because I prefer to finish by 10:30 at the very latest. I did get my daily financial goal, just later than normal. I wore myself out tonight, so I don’t feel like this will be an issue. (because getting an actual workout before bed usually means I don’t have the capacity to actually think myself into regression or piling, since I literally worked my ass off and checked everything off on my to do list).
Anyway, there was more that happened in PHP today, and as it goes, I forgot to add all of it. We had a good discussion on finishing the day with gratitude. When you lay down to sleep, or any time you’re starting to make your way to bed, think about three things and why. Not just the items/situations/etc, but why. And say it out loud to yourself or someone else. In other words, put that energy of gratitude into the world. It would be symbolic of “instead of calling yourself a stupid worthless piece of shit, say out loud that this other item/situation/etc is a thing, and you are really happy that it exists, and here’s why.”
I’m currently following a diet that is essentially “eat three meals a day and make sure they are filling (not stuffing), and also add a snack in between each meal. Always tinned fish/chicken and crackers before bed, though (hypoglycemia kinda requires the late late night snack, and tinned fish/chicken and crackers are about all I can stomach before bed).
Lately, having enough mental, emotional, and most of all physical energy to work has led me to a significantly higher than normal income, lately, and I’m focused on saving for yet another future month’s worth of bills. I stopped for dinner tonight at a wing shop, and realized some things right then and there.
For one, within walking distance from my house (literally across the street), I have three Mexican restaurants, a wing shop, a sandwich shop (with smoothies and such), a cozy coffee shop, a Japanese hibachi, and if I want to walk a bit further, there’s an Italian place just down the street. Half a mile another direction is a burger joint and a steak house. Then I also have two pizzerias and a bakery. All of this within a half-mile radius.
Add other store types, and within that same half mile is an office supply place, a strip mall, an actual mall (with a book store!), three convenience stores, a thrift store, and a grocery store.
I’m set where I’m at, and there’s very few places around town that have the same amount of stuff in such a short radius like where I live.
What hit me more was that I’ve been treating myself to dinner every night since I had my last blackout. I’ve been able to afford it, for one, but I’ve also been making a point to be kind to myself. If I cannot yet articulate it, yet, then maybe I can segue by showing myself that it’s okay to have nice things. Food is quick and I love taking advantage of the option, but it’s also expensive when bought prepared like that, so I don’t plan on making it a constant thing. Maybe once a week. Then adding to the list of things I can do for myself, I’m preordering Sam’s next game this weekend — and again, not having to worry about my pocketbook…unless I get the collector’s edition, and that is a possibility.
But seeing myself following what I’m learning in PHP and actually having energy to do things again…I know I have to be mindful of blackouts, but this is something worth being grateful for: even though I still struggle in areas, I am doing really well in others. And the confidence I got from realizing I’m actually able to buy prepared food every night for the past few nights without having to double check my income every time…and having so many options around where I live…that’s three things: PHP is working, I have enough money to show kindness toward myself where I cannot speak it, and I have a ton of options within walking distance to actually do that.
I am by no means perfect. Part of me is really embarrassed about losing myself when I get overwhelmed and scared. Part of me is really ashamed for dumping it all on Sam almost every time. Empathy says I was blessed with someone who has incredible boundaries, and has been patient enough to let me have the floor while I sort my shit out. Because without their patience in all that, I wouldn’t have learned what the “mother wound” was, and I wouldn’t be working on that in therapy, and that’s something to be grateful for, too.
Fuck. Now I’m crying…grateful tears, though. lol — at least the Trazodone is starting to hit.
