This is the big bad B word for me. I used to suck at boundaries. Any time I felt them being enforced, I’d get so irritated, or just really sad, because it was a sign to me that I wasn’t good enough. I would do so much for people, and I never understood why I was being rejected, and harshly, too, most of the time.
Until recently, my perspective on boundaries as a concept was greatly defective. I was raised in an environment where my own were treated as bad. I was not allowed to have them, and for someone to create them was considered an offense that I had to fight in order to protect myself. Boundaries from other people in that environment were enforced in unfair ways. There was the silent treatment, not being allowed to have dinner with the family (or at all), being shown and told through blatant favoritism that I did not deserve the same nice things that another sibling was getting. Not being allowed to go inside the house after a certain hour if I was within a minute or two of being late. All of this was before I was a teenager.
When I talked to my recovery coach about boundaries, I was afraid she would reinforce that these were appropriate, and I was merely reading them wrong. Thankfully, my coach isn’t a gas-lighter. She gave me a new perspective, and now, I really enjoy the concept and freedom that boundaries bring to the table of relationships, regardless how close or distant.
Healthy boundaries are not an offensive action harshly levied upon you by others in exchange for favors as keys to unlock them. They are yours to make – for yourself – and no one else gets to make them for you. It’s your personal bubble between what you are comfortable with and what the world has going on around you. You choose whether to let things in or not. It’s not someone else’s decision to make for you. Personal boundaries honor your peace and wellbeing. They bring a feeling of safety and security to your life while allowing you to breathe, to explore, to create, engage, and to learn. With your own boundaries in place, you will find it’s easier to respect the boundaries set by others for themselves.
BOUNDARIES AND THE RADICAL SELF
My coach set it best: “my boundaries are not for you, they are for me.” This set the tone for the majority of our work in this department, in which we shared and discussed how boundaries really work against how they were displayed (or taken away) from me at an early age. Where I went into this part of therapy believing that boundaries were an all-out offensive measure designed by others to keep me out, I learned that boundaries were actually something I didn’t have for myself, and never had time or energy to create since I didn’t know what I was protecting – or how, for that matter. Where was my energy? It was being spent on others trying to please and appease them in order to get them to drop their own boundaries.
What a mind-blowing concept to sit with myself and allow myself to feel the frustration and think through that process in order to find where my own sense of self was being harmed. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. As a matter of fact, it was in therapy where I learned that I was tired all the time because I was busy ignoring myself and expecting others to have the exact same methods of treatment that I received as a child. And my childhood was over 35 years ago.
When I was able to start finding my own bubble, I noticed my energy coming back. My resentments were also becoming less and less, and I wasn’t burning out so much from overcommitting to people. I was able to listen to my emotions in a space where others couldn’t influence me, and my own personal expectations began to take the wheel.
Relationships became healthier, because I knew what I expected from myself. I was forming a concrete understanding of what I expected from others, and what I would and would not accept. I also became more adept at stating my boundaries when I needed to. This led to the ability to respect other people’s boundaries, and if I misstepped, it was easier to correct course, as I was fully aligning with myself in the process of connecting with others. Over the last four months, I’ve begun to notice a lessening of co-dependent actions on my part. More than that, I noticed I began filtering out those who did not respect me or treat me with the value that I had.
Boundaries helped me to prioritize myself — all aspects of myself — so I could live the life I envisioned.
Suddenly, I had time to go to the gym. I had time to sleep a full eight hours. I had time to prepare my food and clothes and plan out my week. I had time to create a schedule around my goals, I had time for people I truly cared for, and the give-and-take became more even and appropriate.
I was still afraid to fully step out on my own until even more recently, but learning to trust my intuition and my heart helped me reinforce the knowledge and understanding that I had yet to apply. It was a matter of letting go of the need to hide behind the ideal of someone else that I had to shake off so that I could stand on my own. Once I did, though, all of the residual mess from the work I was putting into therapy started to shake off, revealing another issue to resolve — and this time I had more clarity and a sense of self to work with.
HOW TO RESPECT BOUNDARIES WHEN LEARNING TO CREATE YOUR OWN
The best and simplest way to put this is “don’t take people so personally.” People aren’t doing anything to you when they have boundaries. They have their bubbles and are entitled to them, just like you have (and are building) a bubble and are entitled to your space. Boundaries are not negotiation tools, they’re data. Boundaries don’t say “if you do this, I will reward you with that.” They say “I need some time off to rest and recharge.” They say “this is what I need to do for me.”
Not everyone is the same, however. Some folks recharge by engaging in social activities. I tend to recharge by putting on music to fit my mood, going into offline mode in Guild Wars 2 (for example), and gathering materials for later use in the game. Or lately, I turn everything off except the fan, make tea, and cuddle up with my cat in my late mother’s recliner and read a book. Some people need the constant attention.
When stressed, sometimes we seek approval or validation — which are boundary-breaking for ourselves. Our internal need for validation is a core issue, something that should naturally come from our innermost selves. Seeking external validation — that one person to say “you’re okay” — is the equivalent of saying “I don’t trust myself enough to make that decision on my own.” In relationships of any kind, putting the burden of making a validating statement on another person creates a lack of balance.
The way I released my need for the approval of others was…well okay, I had help. Long story short, there was someone I constantly sought approval from. In trauma terms, they were a safe person. But it became a near 95%/5% balance issue, and most of my 95% was validation seeking. When they encouraged me to look within for what I was seeking, I took it to heart, even taking the notion to my coach. This was…maybe three or four weeks ago. The simple act of engaging with myself while intentionally excluding outside opinion or input for an hour a day helped develop a relationship with myself that I’d not really developed in my life. It was like playtime with a child…a 47 year old child, but still.
The time I spent alone and learning who I was opened the doors to more knowledge of who I was underneath all of that validation seeking, all of the performing (often not even knowing that I was doing it — even for myself!!), all of the almost ritualistic efforts to self-sabotage, all of the moments that I denied myself because someone else may disapprove…all of it faded — not disappeared entirely, mind you — as I learned to spend time with myself. Radically changing your life begins with developing a healthy relationship with yourself, and I’m just now getting to know me. It’s kind of nice to see me through the lens of my own approval.
“NO” IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
This word is expansive, inclusive, exclusive, diminutive, and magnanimous, all at the same time. It’s usage is rivaled by only one other word: fuck. It requires no explanations, no guilt, no clarification, and no justification. It is simply a one word sentence that sets a boundary on its own.
I used to have a really hard time saying no, just like I used to disrespect the “nos” of others. No was offensive — an attack, even — on my wellbeing and need for validation, after all. How dare someone refuse me the ability to use them for approval! Pfft!
But the truth is, as I’ve learned to develop my boundaries (which is essentially a half-decent wood shack’s worth of boundaries), I’ve also learned that no is much less offensive than I originally thought. Every time I say “no” to something that drains my energy, I end up having more energy for what matters. As a matter of fact, when I say “yes,” it means more in the moment, and overall. Boundaries allow me to determine when yes is correct and no is necessary.
As a matter of fact, I’ve learned to use no more often with myself than any other circumstance. As with radical accountability, the idea of letting myself go just this once is met with “no.” I don’t have to explain to myself why, though I had to for the first few weeks of using this mystical word. When I committed to some long-term dietary adjustments, saying no to things became commonplace. No upsizing my food orders, no extra starches, no diet sodas in 64 ounce Big Tubba Bubba jugs, so on and so forth. I ordered regular or even the kid’s meals, my starches with vegetables, and I still use that Big Tubba Bubba jug, but I use it for water. Once I dialed in, the no became yes. Yes to better options, to better results, and to enjoying how much better I’ve been feeling.
I’m still catching myself over-explaining the need to say no. “No because –” isn’t necessary. It’s because you’re justifying yourself for fear of rejection. “If I say no, they will be angry with me” or in my case, I’ll be disowned or dropped. Over-explaining actually weakens the boundary you are attempting to set with saying no, because it welcomes the notion of negotiation. No is non-negotiable, nor is it debatable. You don’t want to deal with the thing, so “no” is all you need to say.
On top of that, when people tell you no, and you accept it, it shows them that the boundary they are creating is safe with you. Removing the guilt trips opens the floor for building trust and mutual safety. This goes for any relationship type at any level.
Lastly, saying “no” to others is saying “yes” to yourself. You’re not rejecting people, places, situations, or things, you are affirming your own need for space, a preferred environment, mindfulness, and peace. That’s a win all around. You’re choosing you without encroaching on someone else’s needs or demands, and that’s radical self-care in action.
