So PHP is kind of a weekly thing that repeats, with one-on-one and other stuff being extra info and extra studies. It’s a lot like inpatient in that regard. Not everything is cookie cutter after the morning stuff. It’s basically morning = the repetitive stuff, and after lunch = one on ones and specific instruction.
I did talk to my psych today about the negative thoughts. And I explained where it started (me standing up for myself or daring to open a bit about things that matter to me…then the mental pile-up of things to do when nothing about my routine really changed…then catastrophizing everything = everything is my fault…). The way the thoughts probably took over quite strongly is when I let myself get tired the first time. That’s when my ability to actively deny those thought patterns wavered. Then I ended up berating myself where nobody else was present to do that.
I forgot to mention before I shared this that my psych did remind me (again) that I’m going to be more sensitive because I’m actually digging this stuff up and putting myself through therapy over it. My self-berating and negative treatment might be a defense mechanism, trying to shrink me down or shut me up before danger happens.
The good thing is I’m separating it from active behavior, but if I’m not vigilant, it can take me over pretty fast, and I’ll just start bawling.
So yeah, being on top of personal needs is super important. And I remember now that this was a problem back before I got my routines down when I lived out of state. I’ve known that, but putting pieces together and remembering how my behaviors were without the routines is quite an encouragement to just follow the process and keep seeing myself through it.
Also not to mention, this is exactly what I have felt since I left that house last year. These thoughts are things I’ve tried to hide. I’m opening up about them now because if someone does go “wtf is this assholes problem?” and comes to read, they’ll know I think I’m an asshole, too. Maybe they’ll understand that this is a real thing, that not every skeleton stays in the closet, and I am actively trying to mitigate something that I’ve dealt with my entire life, just louder lately.
And to be honest, that’s watering it down. A lot. Because I fear I will get in trouble if I tell the truth about how bad it’s been in my brain. I already get silent treatment and deflections, even now. The last thing I want to do is get in trouble. I already beat myself up enough as it is.
But um…it’s just get the routines established, stick to them, use DBT and CBT when I can. And try to believe that there’s something about me worth saving, because lately I don’t see why I’m doing this. I can’t cry hard enough, I can’t scream loud enough to show how much pain I am in because I am afraid I will be hurt for it or get in trouble. Just saying it out loud makes me feel afraid.
Anyway, my SRM:
Morning
– Time Waking (how many hours of sleep) (07:46am / 7.35 hours)
– Mood on Waking: confused, brain fog
– Time at completion of shower/dressed: 8:03 am
– (redacted): 7:50 (guess what this is)
– First Adult Beverage: coffee at 8:08am
– First Meal: 8:45am (scrambled eggs and hash browns with cheese, mayo, and tabasco-adjacent sauce on campus)
– First Social Contact: 08:45am — The line cooks on campus
– Time of Exercise (and how long): 3:00 – walked by the lake for 30 minutes, about 1.3 miles.
– Time of Outdoor Activity: ^ same as exercise, didn’t go to the gym.
– Time of Work Start: 3:30-6:00pm, possibly 8pm-11pm as well
– Time of Blog Post: 6:45pm ish
– Time of Meal Two: 12:00pm (2 soft tacos)
– Time of Meal Three: 2:00pm (protein shake)
– Time of Meal Four: 4:00pm (protein shake)
– Time of Nap (if had): n/a
– Waking – confused, brain fog, irritable
– Mid Morning – hopeful, aware, happy
– Noon – content
– Mid Afternoon – anxious, worried (no reason)
– Evening – really anxious (no reason)
– Bedtime
Hasn’t happened (yet)
– Time of Meal Five: probably a protein shake around 8pm
– Time of Pre-Bed Snack:
– Time of Creative Activity:
– Time of Writing:
– Time In Bed:
That looks so damned ugly. lol I will find a way to make it nicer. I’ll think about how to do that, might make that my creative activity for the day.
Anyway, I’m really tired and it’s only 7:15pm. I don’t really want to go to sleep just yet, it’s too early. I still haven’t eaten or read my dailies or done the 2nd half of work that I wanted to do…I wonder if it’s just anxiety wearing me out.
