It wasn’t all bad, today! I’m just really stuck in my head and wish someone could pull me out of myself…I’m usually really good at stepping back and observing, but lately I’ve been all hammer, no padding…at me, not others. So I’m pretty beat up and in my feels and just stuck. And I’m not grounded, and it sucks.
But there were some really cool things that we did today.
First, when I was telling my psych about how I beat myself up, she asked me, since I’m sensitive, if there’s anything going on that I would consider a trigger. The first thing that came to mind was music. Something about 90s era “modern rock alternative,” which used to be one of my favorite genres, can make me feel super sick to my stomach with anxiety that makes me feel paralyzed. We talked about this phenomenon at length, since I can’t tie it to any specific incident, but came to the conclusion that there’s reason certain other things don’t have this…erm…feature.
Indie rock is a huge love of mine. Like I can just put on a random indie station, or listen to Blalock’s Indie Rock Playlist (LONG LIVE BIRP!), and sway and calm down and breathe again. She thinks it’s because indie rock is new and not tied to any specific or general memories. I actually agree. It’s because the music isn’t attached to anything.
If I dig deeper on the MRA music from the 90s, it was my uncle’s favorite, it was on in the background when I was drinking heavily the first time back in 2010ish, it was playing when I decided to leave the planet the first time I tried. So maybe that’s why — it’s not a single specific instance, but a culmination of everything wrapping itself in the memories of those songs. Or at least that’s what we think. And since I’ve been trying over and over for the last two-ish years to deal with this stuff, the music has become very anxiety inducing.
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On that same vein, I think it’s why I hate classics like MASH and Green Acres. Background TV for when I was a child. And my whole childhood is one reason why I’m in PHP now. But those uniformed first responder shows are great because they have a theme and are usually one-shots and nobody ever watched them ever in my life. (Bones is a favorite, as is earlier seasons of Criminal Minds.)
It’s the same reason I love audio dramas so much (Carcerem, anyone? Vienna? Case 63? Torchwood? DUST?). It’s why I prefer public radio and podcasts, things like that. Wasn’t around during the bad stuff. It was what I listened to when leaving all that behind.
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I did figure out how to make the SRM look better on here…by screenshotting it like I do with everything else I want to share…derp. I also realized I didn’t add my water intake, but I did get my gallon in. That’s one thing I’ve always been good at — getting my gallon of water in. Sodas count, but I’ve also made an effort to drink less and less. So today, I did get 128oz of water in, but I also got in a 20oz soda with lunch. Technically, that’s 148oz of liquid. I also see that i forgot to add what time I gamed…8-9:30pm. I added it to the metric. And I did fudge my sleep time (that’s in a few minutes). But it’s just tables, if I ever watch TV or listen to music exclusively, or if I go grocery shopping or something, I can make a row for that, too. The whole point is documenting my routines and activities and social rhythms, which the social is severely limited at the moment. I just…afraid of reaching out to folks right now. Everything hurts internally, so everyone is hurting me externally — I’m seeing things through the lens of triggers, not my own lens.
I could also make a 10-3-2-1 table to document how well I followed it…
